Dead Tweeting Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle

Bienvenido A La Jungla

I don't have a twitter account but I still have a razor-thin attention span and enjoy communicating in 240 characters or less. Hence, Dead Tweeting, the process of reviewing a film in tweet-sized chunks, after the fact and off of Twitter.

Armrest wobbly. Don't send help. Will be fine without it. Popcorn all good. That's what really counts anyway.
07:21 AM, on January 26, 2018
So, it's the same board game from the Robin Williams movie. Got it. Direct sequel. Cool.
07:23 AM, on January 26, 2018
Rock on, homie! Play that Playstation 1!
07:24 AM, on January 26, 2018
Wait no. It's a board game with a GBA cart in the board game box. The GBA cart is the thing now. Not the board game.
07:25 AM, on January 26, 2018
Wait. No. Not GBA. What the shit is that supposed to be? Is that the thing he had the Playstation controller plugged into? Or is it a different system? It looks like a wack Atari.
07:26 AM, on January 26, 2018
It must be Video Box. Don't know what a Video Box is? Then, you probably don't know what Rapsittie Street Kids is.
07:27 AM, on January 26, 2018
Won't leave you hanging: https://youtu.be/4e-wuyjgDPQ?t=34m12s
07:31 AM, on January 26, 2018
Oh dear. This movie is actually called Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle. Thought that was just the tagline. It's the title.
07:32 AM, on January 26, 2018
There is no way we're getting out of this without hearing Welcome To The Jungle.
07:33 AM, on January 26, 2018
Who are all these chowder heads? Clearly not The Rock or Kevin Hart or Jack Black.
07:34 AM, on January 26, 2018
 For reference

For reference

Wow. These are really very much not The Rock or Kevin Hart of Jack Black. You're not fooling me.
07:37 AM, on January 26, 2018
They should put a warning on the poster that you'll have to sit through an extended 1st act conspicuously devoid of the folks on the poster.
07:38 AM, on January 26, 2018
This is NOT how I remember detention. Are they allowed to keep you indefinitely?
07:47 AM, on January 26, 2018
So, the Video Box is what the other guy was playing with a playstation controller? Now, it has different controllers but is the same system. I'm so confused! Why did they even bother with the board game?
07:49 AM, on January 26, 2018
Does the Jumanji board game also have the power to generate software compatible with evolving game technology?
07:49 AM, on January 26, 2018
If so, is it tethered to technological limitations of the time? If so, why? The game they're playing looks like PS1 or 2-era menu quality. Also, it's TOTALLY different from the trailer.
07:51 AM, on January 26, 2018
They're doing a lot of work to set up these parameters of multiple time periods and game technologies and characters. I hope this pays off.
07:52 AM, on January 26, 2018
THE ROCK!!!! WHOOOOO!!!! HERE WE GO!
07:52 AM, on January 26, 2018
 Starring The Rock as Maken Dabikes Lukesmall

Starring The Rock as Maken Dabikes Lukesmall

God damn is he handsome. How does he do it? 
07:52 AM, on January 26, 2018
And Kevin Hart, just like they promised.
07:53 AM, on January 26, 2018
 It's a metaphor... Or a parable... Or something.

It's a metaphor... Or a parable... Or something.

And, there's Jack Black! I'm calling it now: this is the best movie ever made.
07:54 AM, on January 26, 2018
Elephant in the room. I have no idea who this girl is. I know all the dudes. Am I insufficiently woke? Does this point towards nascent sexism?
07:55 AM, on January 26, 2018
Jack Black is really into this. I think this is the role he's been waiting for his whole career.
07:56 AM, on January 26, 2018
Stolen gem. Ancient curse. Towering statue. It's entirely possible we're not making it out of this without a giant vertical pillar of light that will destroy the world.
07:58 AM, on January 26, 2018
It's official. We are now Coasting On The Rock.
07:58 AM, on January 26, 2018
Coasting On The Rock sounds like it would be a stadium rock song from the 80's.
07:58 AM, on January 26, 2018
How can Stadium Rock be a genre? It sounds aspirational. Like saying, "we're going to make a viral video". The public decides what videos are viral and what rock is stadium, not the creator.
08:00 AM, on January 26, 2018
Also, Coasting On The Rock could be a soul song about drug addiction.
08:01 AM, on January 26, 2018
Nay. Should be.
08:03 AM, on January 26, 2018
Alan Parrish Was Here, you say. Oh boy... Just when we were having some light fun, we have to go down THIS path.
09:03 AM, on January 26, 2018
 I'm suspicious that there's been some photoshop going on here.

I'm suspicious that there's been some photoshop going on here.

I mean, the makers of this film are surely aware that Robin Williams, the actor who played Alan Parrish in the much less The Rock-focused Jumanji movie, won't be available in future iterations of this cinematic universe.
09:04 AM, on January 26, 2018
There is really no reason to set up the existence of Alan Parrish in this film.
09:05 AM, on January 26, 2018
Of course, there's no reason for this to be a Jumanji movie either. This could have been a whole new adventure franchise. The stuff about it being a video game is fun enough but the board game is a distant memory.
09:07 AM, on January 26, 2018
Also, let's say a silent prayer of gratitude that Robin Williams wasn't masturbating when he died. I think that would have been entirely too traumatizing.
09:08 AM, on January 26, 2018
Of course, it's possible that he was masturbating when he died and his family, very aware of how we need Robin to not be any more of a tangled mess of a timeless hairy old man pixie sprite, protected us from the truth.
09:09 AM, on January 26, 2018
If that's the case, they deserve a Nobel Prize.
09:10 AM, on January 26, 2018
For the record, I don't think Robin Williams was masturbating when he died.
09:11 AM, on January 26, 2018
It's 9:11. They said it wouldn't happen again.
09:11 AM, on January 26, 2018
Man, they are really putting all their chips on the "moment of self doubt anointed by a friend giving a quick pep talk" trope. I'm pretty sure every character except Kevin Hart has looked down at their shoes and insisted they "can't do it".
09:13 AM, on January 26, 2018
How lucky for each and every one of them that there's someone nearby to insist that they are awesome or cool or seductive or ... able to fly a god damn helicopter.
09:14 AM, on January 26, 2018
I want to fly a helicopter. Can someone swing over and tell me that all I have to do is believe in myself?
09:14 AM, on January 26, 2018
WHOOOOOOO!!!!! I'M IN A HELICOPTER!!!!!! AND I'(M THE PILOT!!!!! WHOOTOOTOT!
09:15 AM, on January 26, 2018
Jack Black teaching a girl with washboard abs how to seduce might be one of the best bits to ever be featured in a movie with ambitions this tepid.
09:16 AM, on January 26, 2018
I don't mean tepid as a dig. This is clearly not There Will Be Blood or anything. For the record, I'm all-in. This is like John Wick for kids.
09:17 AM, on January 26, 2018
That's also not a dig. I honestly watch movies for fun. John Wick... Kong... Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle... All of these are evidence of genre trash being elevated by sheer force of will from the folks behind the camera.
09:18 AM, on January 26, 2018
Coasting On The Rock is fun.
09:19 AM, on January 26, 2018
I am high on crack and flying a helicopter now.
09:20 AM, on January 26, 2018
Cake.
09:21 AM, on January 26, 2018
No pillar of light! Blessed be!!!!
09:21 AM, on January 26, 2018
Spoiler Alert: They complete their quest. I was honestly white-knuckling this whole movie worried that all 4 (and eventually 5) were going to be victim to an aggressive post-mortem skull fucking scene. #ocularpenetration
09:22 AM, on January 26, 2018
Alas, no Welcome To The Jung... Oh wait. Spoke too soon.
09:23 AM, on January 26, 2018
Well, that was worth watching! Oh... Crud.
09:23 AM, on January 26, 2018
Oh dear... That name... Kasden... Was this directed by the son of some Hollywood insider? If there's one thing I've got little patience for it's nepotism. Not that I would have been up for the job but ... come on.
09:25 AM, on January 26, 2018
Final verdict: Has The Rock, Kevin Hart and Jack Black. Still don't know the girl's name. Call me not woke if you must. Is the opposite of woke aslope?
09:26 AM, on January 26, 2018