Dead Tweeting Paddington 2: The New Batch

Bienvenido A La Ciudad!

I don't have a twitter account but I still have a razor-thin attention span and enjoy communicating in 240 characters or less. Hence, Dead Tweeting, the process of reviewing a film in tweet-sized chunks, after the fact and off of Twitter.

100% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, you say. I'll take that challenge. Besides, 2Toy 2Story and 2Babe 2Pig 2City are both in my top 10 so there is a precedent for kids movie sequels not being fresh-roasted garbage.
09:17 AM, on January 28, 2018
I just hope I can follow the myriad plot intricacies without having seen the first one.
09:22 AM, on January 28, 2018
Well, I'll be! They start with Paddington's Origin Refresher Course, just for dolts like me! Thanks, Paddington 2: The New Batch!
09:23 AM, on January 28, 2018
Paddington mixes his tea, cream and sugar in his mouth. So cute.
09:25 AM, on January 28, 2018
Hey! A black character who's acting like a rational, engaged member of society! And there was no fanfare at her introduction! I'll go ahead and assume Michael Bay isn't at the helm of this one.
09:43 AM, on January 28, 2018
And another! If this trend continues, we could be on track for one of those films that is all-inclusive without patting itself on the back!
09:47 AM, on January 28, 2018
Hollywood - please look to Paddington 2 as the template for being woke.
09:48 AM, on January 28, 2018
Yeah, it was tough when we declared our independence from each other but I think it's time for us to bury the hatchet. A hatchet that doesn't even exist as far as I'm concerned. A mystical ghost hatchet.
09:49 AM, on January 28, 2018
Sometimes I wonder if The Boston Tea Party was just a bunch of drunk assholes throwing shit into a harbor.
09:50 AM, on January 28, 2018
At this point in the film, a family with 7 kids will come in. The husband will be stocky and the wife will be carrying a toddler.
09:51 AM, on January 28, 2018
Here's The Sunshine Promise: There is enough explained at the beginning of Paddington 2: The New Batch that people who saw Paddington 1: The Crusty Old Batch won't be bored and people who didn't won't be confused.
03:10 PM, on January 28, 2018
 Paddington's origin story is that he was super duper mega cute.

Paddington's origin story is that he was super duper mega cute.

At this point, 3 of the kids will start running back and forth in the front of the theatre and putting their juice boxes on the speakers.
03:10 PM, on January 28, 2018
You might be worried about that, knowing that one spilled drink can ruin even the most expensive of luxury amps. Then you will remember that juice boxes don't spill that bad. You will be right.
03:10 PM, on January 28, 2018
PUT DOWN THOSE CLIPPERS, YOU SWEET BEAR LEST MISCHIEVOUS HIJINX FOLLOW!!!!
03:13 PM, on January 28, 2018
The plot of this film is honestly truly Paddington's quest for the perfect gift to give his beloved aunt. I think you will be pleasantly surprised with how much milage they get out of such a simple and sweet impulse.
03:15 PM, on January 28, 2018
 He finds it... BUT DOES HE GET IT?!?!?!?!?! The suspense!!!!

He finds it... BUT DOES HE GET IT?!?!?!?!?! The suspense!!!!

Sweet Jesus!!!! At this point in the film, the lady will drop her toddler with a massive thud followed by peels of crying.
03:15 PM, on January 28, 2018
The husband, absolutely unfazed, will emit an exasperated sigh and roll his head to his wife. The sharp shrug of his shoulders as he looks her in the eyes with communicate one word. "Again?!?"
03:15 PM, on January 28, 2018
At this point in the film, you will feel terrible for the children. You will hope that they discover their inner strength and sense of enthusiasm for a complicated world as they move through puberty and into adulthood.
03:16 PM, on January 28, 2018
Mother gone to comfort her child. Juice boxes on speakers, we can return our focus to the movie. First strike against the film - Give us more time to read all the pun-filled text littered throughout the world!
03:17 PM, on January 28, 2018
I have been working on a theory that Hugh Grant is (spiritually if not legally) obliged to appear in any and every movie produced in England outside of the Bond universe. Non-Bond-Bonded-Bondage is the official term.
03:18 PM, on January 28, 2018
Good lord is he good in this one. It's a perfect goof on his entire career/persona and he is all in. This theatrical goofball is going hard as a mother. #HAMHAM
03:19 PM, on January 28, 2018
 "It's the part I was born to play, Baby!"

"It's the part I was born to play, Baby!"

Oh boy. We're doing The Pulley Gag, aren't we. Well, I suppose it's inevitable.
03:20 PM, on January 28, 2018
This song was my first introduction to The Pulley Gag: https://youtu.be/EaoqJ6hr1Dc
03:21 PM, on January 28, 2018
For reference, the points of impact in that song were replicated, beat for beat in the opening of 2Babe 2Pig 2City: https://youtu.be/gRyCim1tV3s
03:23 PM, on January 28, 2018
At least Paddington was afforded a fair trial. I didn't realize that bears received such legal luxuries in England. I know that the Boston legal system isn't nearly so generous.
08:14 AM, on January 30, 2018
This film bears more than a passing resemblance to the works of Wes Anderson. 
08:15 AM, on January 30, 2018
Sorry. This film BEARS more than a passing resemblance to the works of Wes Anderson.
08:16 AM, on January 30, 2018
 You see, Paddington is a BEAR and the movie BEARS a resemblance to Wes Anderson. Or, should I say, Wes URSINEson.

You see, Paddington is a BEAR and the movie BEARS a resemblance to Wes Anderson. Or, should I say, Wes URSINEson.

It's good to have a non-Wes Anderson Wes Anderson movie. As much as I enjoy his work, the collected library is really just a monolithic tribute to white male privilege. 
08:18 AM, on January 30, 2018
Please, movie! Slow down on the puns! Linger longer, you dinger-dongers!
08:21 AM, on January 30, 2018
These time-lapse shots are really cool. Some of them I can't even fathom the logistics. The one in the jail where they ... rats... don't wanna spoil it... You know the one. With the chocolate fountain...
08:24 AM, on January 30, 2018
I can't even break down the logistics of that one. It feels completely organic and free but is one of those shots that required infinity planning and precision execution.
08:25 AM, on January 30, 2018
You know what? Just go see this movie so that we can discuss it openly and freely. I don't want to spoil any of it.
08:26 AM, on January 30, 2018
Hey! Nice Chucky Chaps visual quote! 
08:28 AM, on January 30, 2018
That's right, punks. The Little Tramp is henceforth and forever known as Chucky Chaps.
08:39 AM, on January 30, 2018
Surely, on my hearty recommendation, you will watch Paddington 2: The New Batch. And, when it's over, you will likely be clamoring for more heart-on-the-sleeve British sweetness and humor.
08:40 AM, on January 30, 2018
Let me point you to the work of Graham Oakley. You can thank me later. http://www.grahamoakley.co.uk/index.html
08:41 AM, on January 30, 2018
Back on track. Paddington. Stay frosty, Koester.
09:01 AM, on January 30, 2018
For the record, this movie even has C-plots happening around the fringes. Love blossoming between tertiary characters for NO REASON EXCEPT THAT IT'S NICE!
09:03 AM, on January 30, 2018
Let's talk about that 100% thing on Rotten Tomatoes, can we? I think we need to make a very clear distinction.
09:04 AM, on January 30, 2018
 HE'S SO CUTE! And he's always looking for the best in people! Because he's learned that you only find it if you look for it! God bless him!

HE'S SO CUTE! And he's always looking for the best in people! Because he's learned that you only find it if you look for it! God bless him!

This is not a perfect film by any stretch. But, it is a faultless one.
09:05 AM, on January 30, 2018
It's ambitions are proudly petit (find Aunt Lucy the perfect present) and the scope almost ambitiously confined (we travel to such exotic locations as a block in London and a prison kitchen).
09:09 AM, on January 30, 2018
It addresses no great social issues. It speaks of nothing complicated in regards to the human condition. It reveals no grand truths.
09:16 AM, on January 30, 2018
But, it is faultless. It's endearing. It moves at a clip. It has a distinct style to it and just enough substance to sustain that style.
09:17 AM, on January 30, 2018
Oh, and watching Hugh Grant play a reluctantly washed up actor reduced to eating dog food is cinematic gold. 
09:18 AM, on January 30, 2018
Some words on Act III. This is almost exactly the climax of The Lone Ranger. Trains weaving hither and yon on unfinished tracks. Ladders bridging cars. Just one difference...
09:21 AM, on January 30, 2018
This is really enjoyable! Something about the end of The Lone Ranger (indeed, the whole thing) felt like mandatory fun.
09:22 AM, on January 30, 2018
 Half the audience ran out of the theatre screaming, thinking the train was going to mow them down.

Half the audience ran out of the theatre screaming, thinking the train was going to mow them down.

And that was back back in the halcyon days when pancake-makeup Johnny Depp was getting old but the very entity of Johnny Depp wasn't yet #problematic on account of drug, alcohol and spousal abuse (allegations).
09:23 AM, on January 30, 2018
Fun times.
09:23 AM, on January 30, 2018
At least there is a 100% guarantee that Paddington will not become a blow-head slogging through a messy divorce. He can't. He's a cartoon, friend.
09:25 AM, on January 30, 2018
Spoiler Alert: They complete their quest. I was honestly white-knuckling this whole movie worried that Paddington was going to be victim to an aggressive post-mortem skull fucking scene. #ocularpenetration
09:36 AM, on January 30, 2018
Clearly, there was a surplus of puns that would have been in the writers' room waste-bin if not for all this extra space in the credits. I'm glad that they could squeeze some extras in.
09:37 AM, on January 30, 2018
So... Yeah. Paddington 2. Go see it.
09:42 AM, on January 30, 2018
 No skull fucking here. None. At all.

No skull fucking here. None. At all.